Getting to Yes: Separate the People from the Problem: Perception [ARR]

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Negotiators are people first. “Whatever else you are doing at any point during a negotiation, from preparation to follow-up, it is worth asking yourself:  Am I paying enough attention to the people problem?”

Separate the People from the Problem:
Perception

Every negotiator has two kinds of interests: in the substance and in the relationship.

In most negotiations, the ongoing relationship is far more important than the outcome of any particular negotiation. The problem is, “a major consequence of the “people problem” in negotiation is that the parties’ relationship tends to become entangled with their discussions of substance.”

 “Deal with people problems by changing how you treat people; don’t try to solve them with substantiative concerns….To deal with psychological problems, use psychological techniques.”

The people problems all fall into one of three baskets: Perception, Emotion, and Communication. “The techniques that follow apply equally well to your [self] people problems as well as to those of the other side.”

Perception

-“Understanding the other side’s thinking is not simply a useful activity that will help you solve your problem. Their thinking is the problem. “

-“As useful as objective reality can be, it is ultimately the reality as each side sees it that constitutes the problem in a negotiation and opens the way to a solution.”

Here are some of those psychological techniques that were alluded to above to help you separate the people from the problem:

Put yourself in their shoes.  “It is not enough to know that they see things differently. If you want to influence them, you also need to understand empathically the power of their point of view and to feel the emotional force with which they believe in it. Understanding their point of view is not the same as agreeing with it. It is true that a better understanding of their thinking may lead you to revise your own views about the merits of a situation. But that is not a cost of understanding their point of view, it is a benefit. It allows you to reduce the area of conflict, and it also helps you advance your newly enlightened self-interest.

Don’t deduce their intentions from your fears. “The cost of interpreting whatever they say or do in its most dismal light is that fresh ideas in the direction of agreement are spurned, and subtle changes of position are ignored or rejected.”

Don’t blame them for your problem.  Even if blaming is justified, it is usually counterproductive. Under attack, the other side will become defensive and will resist what you have to say. Assessing blame firmly entangles the people with the problem.

Discuss each other’s perceptions. Have a discussion where you explicitly address perceptions. Don’t underestimate those things that you might deem “unimportant” or irrelevant to the conversation. “To the contrary, communicating loudly and convincingly the things you are willing to say that they would like to hear can be one of the best investments you as a negotiator can make.”

Look for opportunities to act inconsistently with their perceptions. Pretty simple – do something different than what they would expect of you.

Give them a stake in the outcome by making sure they participate in the process. If they are not involved in the process, they are unlikely to approve the product. It’s that simple. “Even if the terms of the agreement seem favorable, the other side may reject them simply out of suspicion born of their exclusion from the drafting process. Agreement becomes much easier if both parties feel ownership of the ideas.  To give the other side a feeling of participation, get them involved early. Ask their advice. In a sense, the process IS the product.

Face-saving: Make your proposals consistent with their values.  “Often in a negotiation, people will continue to hold out not because the proposal on the table is inherently unacceptable, but simply because they want to avoid the feeling or the appearance of backing down to the other side. If the substance can be phrased or conceptualized differently so that it seems a fair outcome, they will accept it.

Next week we will continue separating the people from the problem by teasing out emotion and communication.