Separate the People from the Problem: Communication [ARR]

Annie's Reading Room

Communication

Obviously, communication is the driving force of negotiation. Without communication, the wheels fall off and you are stuck. However important, there are also three potential problems you could run into with communication.

Separate the People
from the Problem:
Communication

“First, negotiators may not be talking to each other, or at least not in such a way as to be understood. Instead they talk merely to impress third parties or their own constituency.”

Second, “even if you are talking directly and clearly to them [the other party], they may not be hearing you.” I can relate to this certainly. Sometimes I am so busy thinking about my response that I tune out the other person’s final points.

“The third communication problem is misunderstanding. What one says, the other may misinterpret.”

“What can be done about these three problems of communication?”

Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said. Listening and listening well are two different things. Admittedly, “it is difficult to listen well, especially under the stress of an ongoing negotiation. If you pay attention and interrupt occasionally to say, “Did I understand correctly that you are saying that…?” the other side will realize that they are not just killing time, not just going through a routine.” And “as you repeat wheat you understood them to have said, phrase it positively from their point of view. You might say, “You have a strong case. Let me see if I can explain it. Here’s the way it strikes me…” And don’t worry -- understanding is not necessarily agreeing.

Speak to be understood. Try putting yourself in the role of a judge, and the person sitting across from you in the negotiation is also a judge. You are trying to work out a joint opinion. To avoid complication, don’t have too many people in the judge’s chamber. Limiting the size of the group meeting to only one representative per participating side can reduce distractions.

Speak about yourself, not about them. Even if reacting to something they said, start your sentence with “We/I feel.” “You convey the same information without provoking a defensive reaction that will prevent them from taking it in.”

Speak for a purpose. Some things are better left unsaid. “Before making a significant statement, know what you want to communicate or find out, and know what purpose this information will serve.”

Prevention works best

“The best time for handling people problems is before they become people problems.”

Build a working relationship. “The time to develop a relationship is before the negotiation begins. Get to know them and find out about their likes and dislikes. Find ways to meet them informally.”

Face the problem, not the people.  Think of your fellow negotiator as a partner “in a hard-headed, side-by-side search for a fair agreement advantageous to each.” It helps to sit literally on the same side of a table.

Like any challenging task, “separating the people from the problem is not something you can do once and forget about; you have to keep working at it. The basic approach is to deal with the people as human beings and with the problem on its merits.”

How to do that will be the subject of next week’s post! Happy Fourth of July!