"Yes, but...": What if they won’t play? [ARR]

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What do you do if the other side is being hard headed and simply repeats their stated position and digs in. If pushing back does not work, what does? How can you prevent the cycle of action and reaction? DO NOT push back. Refuse to react. 

Time for negotiation jujitsu, as promised!

Jujitsu is an oriental martial art which avoids pitting your strength against your opponents directly. Instead, you use your skill to step aside and turn their strength to your ends.

What does this look like in practice?

Negotiation Jujitsu

Typically, an attack will consist of three maneuvers: asserting a position forcefully, attacking ideas, and attacking you. Let’s look at how to handle each of these.

Don’t attack their position, look behind it. When the other side sets forth their position, neither reject it nor accept it. Treat it as one possible option. Look for the interests behind it, seek out the principles it reflects, and think about ways to improve it. To direct their attention toward improving the options on the table, discuss with them hypothetically what would happen if one of their positions was accepted.

"What if they won't play?"

Don’t defend your ideas, invite criticism and advice. Instead of asking the other side to accept or reject an idea, ask them what’s wrong with it. Examine their negative judgments to find out their underlying interests and to improve your ideas from their point of view.  Another way to channel criticism in a constructive direction is to turn the situation around and ask for advice. Ask them what they would do in your position.

Reset an attack on you as an attack on the problem.  When the other side attacks you personally – as frequently happens – resist the temptation to defend yourself or to attack them. Instead, sit back and allow them to blow off steam.

Ask questions and pause.  Those engaged in negotiation jujitsu use two key tools. The first is to use questions instead of statements. Statements generate resistance, whereas questions generate answers. Also, silence is one of your best weapons. People tend to feel uncomfortable with silence, particularly if they have doubts about the merits of something they have said.

Consider the one-text procedure

Multiple parties need some way to simplify the process of decision making without diminishing the quality of the outcome. The one-text procedure serves that purpose by bringing in a neutral third party who asks the right questions to unveil the principles of each party. Then, a solution is drafted by the third party and critiqued by the parties. This procedure is followed until a final agreement is reached and no more edits can be made.

Next week we review the second to last chapter and the final “Yes, But.” What if they use dirty tricks?