New Book: Getting To Yes (You are a Negotiator) [ARR}

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If you followed along with my previous posts about How to Win Friends and Influence People, you may remember that the book was first published in 1936, making it an “oldie but goodie.” This next book, Getting to Yes, also remains a classic, despite

its first publication date of 1981.

You are a Negotiator

The book begins with a notion that may strike you as unique -- You are a negotiator. Negotiation is a fact of life. Don’t look, but you may be negotiating right now! Even though we all are (sometimes unknowing) negotiators, people differ, and they use negotiation to handle their differences.

People usually only see two options when negotiating: to negotiate soft or hard. The soft negotiator wants to avoid personal conflict and so makes concessions readily to reach agreement. He or she wants an amicable resolution, yet often ends up exploited and bitter. The hard negotiator sees any situation as a contest of wills in which the side that takes the more extreme positions and holds out longer fares better. He or she wants to win; yet often ends up producing an equally hard response that exhausts the negotiator and his or her resources and harms the relationship on the other side. Do either of these sound familiar to you?

There is however, a third method, and that is what this book is all about. The third method is principled negotiation -- to decide issues on their merits. It suggests that you look for mutual gains whenever possible, and that where your interests conflict, you should insist that the result be based on some fair standards independent of the will of either side. The method of principled negotiation is hard on the merits, soft on the people.

And I think this is pretty great. Even “if the other side learns this one [principled negotiation], it does not become more difficult to use; it becomes easier.” In other words, if the person you are negotiating with has read this book, all the better.

Next week we will review why bargaining over position promotes poor relationships, is inefficient, and rarely results in a wise agreement.

Chapter Four: How to Lead Change Without Resistance or Resentment [ARR]

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This is the final post for "How to Win Friends... In the Digital Age" and it will focus on:

How to Lead Change Without Resistance or Resentment

How to Lead Change Without
Resistance or Resentment

Begin on a Positive Note. We all must engage in discussions of undesirable topics from time to time. How then do we approach it? To begin on that positive note, “the praise you offer must be genuine and heartfelt, not just a tool to bide time while you compose your criticisms. Second, you must be able to create a smooth flow from point to point. Third, offer constructive advice rather than criticism following the praise.” Try using “and” to connect your praise and criticism versus the more commonly used “but.”

Acknowledge Your Baggage. “Researchers at the Institute for Health and Human Potential conducted a study of 35,000 people on the factors in their career advancement. The item found to be most linked to career advancement? Freely admitting to making mistakes...How well you own up to your mistakes makes a bigger impression than how you revel in your successes.”

Call Out Mistakes Quietly. Meaning other’s mistakes. “Sometimes the best way to correct behavior is not to openly punish the wrong behavior but to use the situation as a platform for building self-confidence and deeper connection.”

Asking Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders. The captain of a USS guided missile destroyer improved the crew’s morale by asking questions, learning about his crew, and building consensus. “Leaders are reluctant to ask questions because they don’t know what responses might result. What if the other person doesn’t head in the direction you were intending? There is no way to overcome that possibility. Instead, leaders must think about it as an opportunity rather than a risk. The answer you get may be better - likely will be better - than the one you already know.”

Mitigate Fault. Five actions to create resilience in yourself and in your organization: acknowledge that failure happens, encourage dialogue to foster trust, separate the person from the failure, learn from your mistakes, and create a risk-taking and failure system. “If you need to discuss a mistake or gaff that somebody made, it’s best to do it in person or over the phone. Save your written communication for praise and constructive advice.”

Magnify Improvement. “Praise from a manager, written thanks, and public praise were three of the top five motivators among surveyed employees...The Center for Management and Organization Effectiveness offers the following advice for praising those around you:” deliver praise from your heart and as soon as possible, make praise specific, and praise people publicly.

Give Others a Fine Reputation to Live Up To. “Act as though the trait you are trying to influence is already one of the person’s outstanding characteristics.”

Stay Connected on Common Ground. “If you consider what the other’s goals are and how to connect your goals to hers, you will create a win-win situation that will make everybody glad.”

So in conclusion, is this book worth your time to read? Yes.

I know, I know. I said I would read the books so you wouldn’t have to! But, I don’t anticipate that I will recommend that you read all of the books that I will review. For example, I have already started reading some other books and I anticipate that I will be able to select the most useful nuggets for you without recommending you consume the whole book. Not so in this case. The nuances and exemplary vignettes contained within each chapter will be worth your time, not to mention entertaining. There is a reason that Mr. Carnegie’s book has maintained its relevance for three quarters of a century.

See you back here next week when we kick off our next book: Getting to Yes! by Roger Fisher and William Ury!

Chapter Three: How to Merit and Maintain Other’s Trust (Part 2) [ARR]

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Continuing on from last week, here are 5 more ways to Merit and Maintain Other’s Trust in addition to these first five:

·         Avoid Arguments

·         Never Say, “You’re Wrong”

·         Admit Faults Quickly and Emphatically

·         Begin in a Friendly Way

·         Access Affinity

Surrender the Credit. Careful though – this can’t be conducted with false humility. “The principle suggested here is born not of attention-seeking activity but rather of a supreme confidence that you are a far better person when those around you know that they play an important role not only in a collaborative success but also in your personal success. Success isn’t about attention and accolades. It’s about partnership and progress.”

Engage with Empathy. “Empathy is not a networking tactic to be learned and leveraged; it is a link to immediate affluence in human relations.”

Appeal to Noble Motives. “Such an approach does more than just appeal to noble motives in another…it conveys the message, “You are capable of doing the right, honorable, true, thing.”  These are powerful words that move people to action.”

Share Your Journey. “More and more common - and commonly effective at building influential relationships - is the authentic intersection of personal and professional life...When your journey is “our” journey, we are both compelled to see where it goes.” This could be exemplified by bloggers who pepper their blog posts with personal stories or anecdotes outside of their traditional posts. This not only allows the reader to get to know the blogger, but also become more invested in their lives.

Throw Down a Challenge. At Magic Johnson’s retirement ceremony, he said, “I want to thank Larry Bird personally for bringing out the best in Magic Johnson because, without you, I could have never risen to the top.” And even if you don’t play in the NBA, “Look around your sphere of influence for an area of affinity that can generate a competition that can mean something more than reaching the finish line - something that can mean lasting friendships and corporate influence for a positive change.”

Next week we will review how to lead change while minimizing resistance, the final post for How to Win Friends and Influence People.   

*Next book on the reading list is Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury!*

Chapter Three: How to Merit and Maintain Other's Trust [ARR]

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So let’s pretend that you have now applied the Six Ways to Make an Impression and have gotten people’s attention. Now you have to develop the relationship, and even more importantly, their trust in you.

Part Three reviews How to Merit and Maintain Others’ Trust. Once again, there are 10 strategies, but let’s focus on the first five.



How to Merit and Maintain Others' Trust

Avoid Arguments. “Humorist Dave Barry made this point quite well when he said, “I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.” Being more concerned about being right all of the time may leave you with a lot of free Friday nights. This isn’t to say you can’t engage in lively debate, but don’t “discard the notion that others have inner wisdom that ought to be heard.”

Never Say, “You’re Wrong.” To others, that is. Doing so “will only earn you enemies. Few people respond logically when they are told they are wrong; most respond emotionally and defensively because you are questioning their judgment.” Unfortunately, online communication is a ripe environment to inadvertently accuse others of ineptitude, simply by using the wrong tone or a few poorly chosen words. If misinterpretation is a danger, conduct the conversation in person.

Admit Faults Quickly and Emphatically. “Negative news spreads faster than ever. If you’ve made a mistake, it is far better that you control the news being spread. Come clean quickly and convincingly.”

Begin in a Friendly Way. It’s simple. “Winning friends begins with friendliness...talk to every individual as though you’re going to be sitting next to that person at his or her mother’s house that night for dinner.”

Access Affinity. “Like attracts like,” and in the digital age, “we can have a head start. We can ascertain affinity before we approach a person” by seeking out their preferred Facebook or LinkedIn groups or reviewing their profiles. “The more yeses you can get at the outset of an interaction, even if they have little to do with the ultimate proposal, the more likely you are to put the person in the mood to agree with you along the way.”

Chapter Two: Six Ways to Make a Lasting Impression (the remaining three) [ARR]

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Last week, I revealed the first three of six ways to make a lasting impression. In summary, they were:

Take Interest in Others’ Interests

Smile

Reign with Names

And now as promised, here are the remaining three!

Listen Longer. In 2009, United Airlines broke a passenger’s guitar. They did not reimburse him for the cost of the damage, even after a year of phone calls and requests. As a result, the passenger wrote a song about United’s poor customer service and posted it on Youtube. As the song reached 4 million views (now at 13 million!), United’s stock plunged by 10%. Listening has the power to give people what they most desire - “to be heard and understood.” After all, “who can resist being around a person who suspends his thoughts in order to value yours?” So, how to begin really listening? Set a goal to ask 15 thoughtful questions of others per day - at least 5 being directed towards your family and close friends, the next 5 towards those you work with, and the last 5 in your social media sphere.

Discuss What Matters to Them. This premise flips “modern spirits of marketing and social media on their heads.” The difference between your true friends and mere followers/ fans is an important one. “Worry less about how many people you are connected to and worry a whole lot more about who you are connected to, who they are and what you are doing to value and honor them.”

Leave Others a Little Better. “While you may be motivated by what can be achieved with others’ loyalty or support...those whom you want to connect and collaborate with see only the small pictures of their own experience with you.” They are thinking, “What have you done for me lately?” The only way to move “relationships from manipulative to meaningful...is to constantly add meaning and value.”

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